The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
