Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Boobs are out for the taking
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
