By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
