I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
