He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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