I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
