i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
