Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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