I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
