dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
