Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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