Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
