you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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