i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
