dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Acid is not a monday night drug
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
