garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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