1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
