I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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