You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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