He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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