tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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