I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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