My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
