i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Found your dick twin last night
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
