He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
