I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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