So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
