Tell her she can't have a vagina
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
