All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
