i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
