he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Houston, we have a blender
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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