hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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