I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
