Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
