You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
