she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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