i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
