Where are you?
In a non slutty way
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
