Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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