Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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