i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
