I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
