i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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