i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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