Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
