Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dignity is for republicans.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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