When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
