Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
