Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
