8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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