that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
